fear

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" At some point fear became my only friend. So, I fed it, and it kept me safe. It talked to me and told me it would be strong for me and protect me, but it was always lying to me and telling me things that made me small. It capitalized on bad things and insisted that these were the reasons it was there. I was too weak too scared; I couldn’t deal with life. It would keep me safe. I was placed in a little room far from the world and fear would whisper things to me. It was telling me how lucky I was to have it, that it was my only real friend, that no one else would understand, that they couldn’t be trusted. It made a compelling argument and presented it in my own voice. So, I believed it, I trusted it, I loved it. 

As time went on my fear got stronger and bigger and when I questioned it, it would lash out at me saying, “this is for your own good” and I believe it. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I didn’t want to get rid of the only protection I had. I got weaker and weaker. I couldn’t escape even if I wanted too, so I closed my eyes and went to sleep. 

Then fear began to hate me, it hated my weakness and how unnecessary I am. It hated living only because of me and so it started to attack me. It called me names and used my insecurities against me. It told me I was nothing and that it was tired of protecting me. It would let them hurt me; it was going to abandon me. And I knew I couldn’t live without it. 

I am a prisoner of self, and this body is my cell, and this fear is the only thing I know, it’s all I am. Without fear I am nothing. So, I feed it, and I feed it, but I am lost. "

- PD