The Process

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"I have no idea what I’m painting before I paint. I will often have a sketch that I like and I may even believe that I understand what the sketch is about, but I am always wrong. I go blind into the well and pull forward things that are for me in the nature of dreams. They are shrouded in mystery and whatever truth they reveal is guarded from me. Which is probably good or I might make self serving decisions that would limit my work. So then I’m left to the labor of painting. And this process can be time consuming and tedious with moments of pure joy, but rarely is it easy. As I work I think, I pray, I meditate and travel deeper and deeper into my most vulnerable self. I have no idea usually if what I’m working on is good or if I’m simply wasting my time polishing a turd. So I work and I rework over and over trying to pull forward a thing I can’t see but that I know is there. In honesty, most of the process is me telling myself I suck and that I’m wasting my time, I’ve got nothing to say and no talent to say it with, I tell myself how common and pedestrian my ideas are, that I should just put a knife through this one, no one needs to see this. That lasts pretty much till the end. There’s a moment at the end where it all suddenly seems magical and every stroke seems genius, where I think that was worth it. Then I sit back and critique it. Asking myself over and over what did I do wrong, what should I do differently next time. I’ll study it and think about it sometimes for months, but if I like it I’ll sign it. Then comes the name. The name is like a riddle, many answers sound good, but only the real answer is perfect. When that happens I will sometimes be filled with a rush of emotions as I become aware of the thing that I’ve made. 

When I painted “Gravity” it took well over a year and I struggled with it. It tore me apart and my doubt and hatred of my self and the process almost crushed me. By the end I felt no relief just overwhelming sadness and loss. I had many things I thought were good titles but when the title came it literally destroyed me. “Gravity”! I spent the next few weeks crying ever time I looked at it or thought of the name. When I saw what I had painted it cut me deep and I honestly wondered if I shouldn’t stop painting forever. This process was going to kill me and my art suddenly became a very unpredictable foe. It didn’t seem wise to keep pulling stuff from that well and posting it up for people to look at. I’ve carried that into my newest painting, and have become very leery of what this one is going to do to me. I think I have a title and it’s nearly done (as of this writing) but I’m still apprehensive of showing it for fear of how it may hurt me. 

- PD